Helping Children Navigate Grief at the Holidays
The holiday season, at its best, is full of joy and connection. However, the season’s emphasis on family and togetherness often stirs up acute feelings of sadness and longing for those of us who have lost a loved one. These feelings can be especially overwhelming for children. If your child has lost a parent, grandparent, or other special person, consider structuring some conversations and activities around supporting them through their grief during the holiday season.
name your feelings
Children are experts at picking up on the feelings of their parents, even when parents try to hide them. It can be frightening and disorienting for a child when they do not understand the emotions of the people around them, or when they feel alone with their emotions. Acknowledging when you are not okay helps your child to understand the world around them, which helps them feel safe and secure. Use simple, direct language that matches your child’s age. For example:
You saw that I was crying in the kitchen earlier when we were making Christmas cookies. That might have felt confusing, because usually cookies are happy. I was crying because I miss Daddy and feel sad that he died. I am happy to be making cookies with you, and I’m also sad because I wish that Daddy were here too. You might sometimes feel sad, or mad, or lonely, when you think about Daddy. That’s all okay and I’m here to talk about it.
Sharing like this models for your child that loss and grief are safe to talk about with you, and can also help them organize and name their own feelings. Furthermore, it models for your child that grief is a natural reaction when someone you love has died and is not something you need to hide or try to avoid.
prepare your child for changes
Maintaining routine and traditions as much as possible can help children feel safe and in control. It is also inevitable that some of your transitions will change to accommodate the loss of your loved one. Help prepare your child for these changes by acknowledging them in advance, while also reassuring your child of things that will stay the same. You can approach your child in a calm, private moment and share words like these:
I was thinking about how Thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks, and I want to talk to you about it. This is the first time we have had Thanksgiving without Grandma, and things are going to look a little different. Usually we go to Grandma’s house to eat dinner and play games with your cousins. This year, we are still going to eat dinner and play games with your cousins, but it will be at our house instead. We will still have all your favorite Thanksgiving food like usual and we will still play the same games, but it might feel different without Grandma. It’s okay if you feel sad or miss her – I miss her too.
Foster connection
You can help your child foster an ongoing connection with their lost loved one through crafts, rituals, or other activities around the holidays. Invite your child to brainstorm with you, offering words like:
I know we’ve all been missing Aunt Elena, especially around Hanukkah when we all usually celebrate together. Tonight, I thought we could spend some time remembering Aunt Elena together. What do you think you’d like to do together?
Here are some ideas to get your started:
Share stories and memories about your lost loved one with family who have gathered for the holiday.
Create a picture collage together, including pictures of your lost loved one, as well as magazine cutouts or other art supplies. If available, emphasize photos of your lost loved one with your child.
Create a memory box – a simple wooden box or shoe box filled with momentos that remind your child of their lost loved one or encourage ongoing connection (e.g., photos, favorite recipes written down, jewelry, souvenirs from shared trips or activities, notes written to the deceased). This can be an artifact they continue to add to.
Create a paper chain to hang on the Christmas tree, above the dining table, or in another meaningful holiday location. Your child can write or draw happy memories or messages they want to share with their lost loved one on each circle of paper.
Lean into the traditions of your culture or religion. Whether that is lighting a Yahrzeit candle on Yom Kippur, saying prayers in a house of worship, lighting diyas during Diwali, building ofrendas for Día de los Muertos, or laying flowers at a gravesite, invite your child to participate in the time-honored traditions of their culture that allow them to feel part of their community and connected to their loved ones.
Recognize when more help is needed
Grieving is a natural response to loss, and it can feel sharper around the holidays. Often, children (and adults!) benefit from professional help to cope with their grief. Be on the lookout for these warning signs which may indicate your child should see a therapist: extended period of depression in which they have lost interest in daily activities or seem emotionally numb; prolonged inability to sleep or loss of appetite; acting much younger than their age for an extended period; prolonged, excessive separation anxiety that interferes with daily life; ongoing disbelief about the death; repeated statements of wanting to join their dead loved one; repeated statements that a part of themself has died; prolonged withdrawal from school, friends, or previously enjoyed activities. We are here to help.
