It can be challenging and painful to witness someone you care about in a relationship that appears harmful to them. You may not know the full extent of what is happening in the relationship, but notice things that lead you to have concern. Your loved one may have strange injuries, or make comments about the relationship that set off alarm bells in your mind. Typically, people are not open about abuse they are experiencing and may not identify it in that way, which can make it difficult to know exactly what is happening. It also makes it hard to figure out how to respond. If you are in this situation, know that regardless of the specifics, there are ways that you can act in a caring, compassionate way to be there for your loved one.
I have spoken to many concerned individuals who have called either 911 or a domestic violence agency seeking help for someone they know, such as a family member, friend, or coworker, who is being abused. In my experience, there are some common feelings and reactions that people have shared. Additionally, there are a few general tips that tend to be helpful in taking thoughtful action to provide support. Since every situation is different, an individual conversation with a trained therapist or advocate can be beneficial to discuss your unique concerns, but this article can serve as a starting point for individuals who want to help but don’t know where to begin.
One of the most common reactions people have when trying to help someone in an abusive relationship is to try to “save” the person. More often than not, this can backfire. Efforts to save someone look like pushing for your loved one to break up with their partner or leave the relationship, insisting the person do something you believe will make the situation better, or accept your perspective on their relationship. Sometimes, people call 911 for a welfare check, hoping that a police officer will be able to help (more on this later). When this doesn’t lead to a change, it can seem like your loved one does not want help, or like nothing you do will ever make a difference. Often, people report emotions including feeling powerless, frustrated, and angry. You may also feel resentment toward your loved one, which further disconnects you from that person. Frequently, people experience ongoing fear for their loved one’s safety and wellbeing.
Trying to save someone is viewed by domestic violence advocates as falling into a pattern of attempting to control the situation. This mimics the dynamics within an abusive relationship, where an abuser works to maintain power and control over their partner through a combination of manipulation, threats, and/or violence. When others also take on a controlling role, the person being abused can further buy into the belief that they are unable to trust their own thoughts/feelings, while at the same time receiving the message that they are incapable of taking care of themselves. When someone feels that way, it is hard to take the big step to end a relationship, no matter how much that relationship is harming them.. The result of this is, instead of helping, the victim/survivor is emotionally pushed even further into the situation they are in, which is the exact opposite of what the helping person is trying to accomplish!
Calling 911 to involve law enforcement or EMS in helping someone experiencing abuse can be helpful, but can also lead to unintended consequences. Physical abuse- including hitting, shoving, strangulation, and threatening physical harm- is illegal, and 911 is an important resource for scenarios where someone is in imminent danger. When an assault is occuring, emergency responders can intervene and provide potentially life-saving support. However, it is good to keep in mind that if there is not an active incident at the time of the call, the in-person response to the 911 call can further aggravate an abuser. This has been seen to create further harm rather than helping the victim, as abusers tend to respond by blaming the victim for talking about the abuse or causing the police to come to the home. The abuser may increase efforts to isolate the victim from you if they believe you have been involved, which will make it harder for you to support them in the future. If you are in a situation where you are not sure about calling 911, reach out to a trained professional to talk through the situation.
As you work to support your loved one, a statistic to keep in mind is that it takes an average of 7 times for a victim of domestic violence to leave an abusive relationship permanently. There are a variety of complex reasons for this which come up differently for each relationship, but the unifying truth is that often, trying to help will be met with something that feels like a failure. Thus, it is vitally important to practice self-care in order to continue to remain a supportive presence in your loved one’s life, and in doing so you can remain a resource for them when they need help. For many people, ending an abusive relationship is a process with ups and downs. As a helper, self-care can help you maintain a stance of flexibility to be understanding if they later appear to backtrack.
As you manage your own needs, here are a few other concrete things you can do to offer support while someone .
- Communicate your concerns without telling them what to do. Telling your loved one what you’re observing without pressuring them to “fix it” can express concern and care, which is sorely needed by someone experiencing abuse. Be clear and as objective as possible. For example, you can say “I worry about you when I hear your partner yelling and calling you names, and I wonder how you are dealing with that.”
- Highlight their strengths. When people are abused, their self-esteem is usually negatively impacted. Reminding your loved one of the things that you appreciate and value about them can counteract the negative things they may be hearing in their relationship.
- Identify what support you have to offer. This can look like many things, for example: emotional support by finding time to meet up for coffee or a shared hobby, or you can offer a place for them to stay if they feel unsafe and want to get some space from the relationship. Acknowledge what you do not have to offer as well, and honor your boundaries. A therapist can be an asset in helping to clarify what you can and cannot offer if this is a challenge.
- Become familiar with the resources available. Get the contact information for your local domestic violence agency to offer if/when your loved one expresses wanting more support. Advocates who work at these agencies can provide help with safety planning, filing for protection orders, shelter, support groups, and other services. Don’t be afraid to call them yourself and talk to an advocate for further guidance, especially if you have safety concerns.
Being in this position is hard, but it also allows the possibility for you to make a difference to someone close to you. You can make a positive impact on your loved one’s life by offering support, practicing self-care, and honoring the decisions they make about their life. That is a beautiful thing.